The other night, I was fighting my way home through crazy Friday night traffic. I was hungry, and I was late for dinner with my wife and some of our friends. I kept trying alternate routes in desperate attempts to shave 30 or so seconds off the duration of the trip. As I made my way through the center of town, I got caught at a red light because the person driving ahead of me lacked my reckless willingness to ignore the yellow light when in a hurry. And then the railroad gates came down, halting the traffic in all directions for several minutes while we waited for the commuter rail train to pass by. In that moment of hunger and frustration -- rarely a pleasant combination -- I whipped out my iPhone and posted to facebook (no cars were moving, so I figured it was okay) that "I think God just kicked me in the nuts."
Seriously? Even allowing for that bit of a flair for the dramatic that I indulge in from time to time, what the heck was that? First off, if God exists -- and as an agnostic, I don't take a stand on that question either way -- I'm sure He has better things to do than make me late for dinner and increase my stress. And second, if He wanted to make me as miserable as I would be from a real kick to that oh-so-sensitive region, being an extra five minutes late for dinner hardly qualifies.
In the middle of a frustrating moment, it's easy to indulge negative emotions, to feel put upon and beleaguered, but that doesn't help. When I'm stuck in traffic and losing a little extra time to the idiocy of the so-called drivers around me, it's annoying, but I have to remind myself that it's far from catastrophic. When the waiter is slow to take my order or the kitchen doesn't get it right, it's frustrating, but it's not the end of the world. When the DVR messes up and doesn't record a program I wanted to watch, it's irritating, but I'll live. Talk about first world problems...
What is being late for dinner compared to not having any idea if you'll have it at all? What is a little ice build-up on the front door of the house compared to resorting to a cardboard box for shelter? What is a little selfishness from a family member compared to the sudden and unexpected death of a loved one? Or worse, compared to the heartache of not knowing, day after day after day, whether your loved one will wake up or slip away? If anyone is justified in thinking that God has kicked him in the nuts, it's a person facing that kind of uncertainty and loss.
Some people have it rough. I am lucky enough not to be one of those people. I have rough days, or at least days that feel rough, but I am very fortunate, and that's something I need to remember and reflect on more often. There are people out there dealing with real challenges and real problems. Real pain, real heartache, real tragedy. The next time I'm feeling put upon, I hope that I'll remember to take a moment and put it in perspective, and then be thankful that my challenges are small and easily managed.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Hair of the Dog
My last post was a bit more...mundane than I expected this writing to be -- talking about the way I work from home but not really exploring any insight into what it means for or about me. I have a thought or two about such an insight, but I'm going to mull it over a bit longer. And I think it's okay if the "depth" of the posts varies somewhat -- I'm new to this, and it's kind of an experiment, so I'll be a while finding a voice and figuring out what works and what doesn't.
During the course of this week, my melancholy over the end of Into the Woods actually got stronger than it was the night that I started this blog. Other members of the cast started posting on facebook their own statements about being sad that the show was over, about missing each other, about wanting to hang out and do shows together again. At the same time, many of the same people were posting updates about the audition and casting process for ACT Andover's production of Guys and Dolls. It was fun to read these posts and watch the cast list take shape before my very eyes, but it was also saddening, since I wasn't part of the cast.
I have good reasons for choosing not to audition for Guys and Dolls. The performance weekend conflicts with an event that I really want to attend. I just started a new job with a new company and should focus on that for a little while. I was tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk and not ready to jump right back into auditions and rehearsals with no rest. All very rational reasons. All useless in the face of an emotional state of mind.
So, I decided to look around and see what other community theater options were available to me. I'd known for a while that there are a few groups nearby -- one each in at least four nearby towns, all no more than 15-20 minutes from my house -- but I was unprepared for the sheer quantity of theater in this area. There is A LOT of theater around here.
Before I knew it, the same gleeful focus that sometimes takes hold of my brain when I'm deeply immersed in an interesting coding challenge had taken hold of me in my search for local theater groups. I spent hours and hours looking up theater company web sites, checking drive distances, consulting my calendar for rehearsal and production date conflicts, looking up scripts and vocal ranges for characters. It was exhilarating. And before I knew it, the doldrums had evaporated. I still feel a nostalgic twinge when I think back to Woods and the amazing experience it was for me, but I'm no longer down in the dumps about it being over. Excitement for and anticipation of the auditions I'm planning over the next few weeks has replaced that sadness.
The lesson seems clear to me: stay involved in community theater. It clearly makes me happy, happier than I would have guessed a year ago. It has the added bonus of being something that my wife also loves to do, giving us something we can enjoy together, and that makes it all the more valuable. And now that I've washed the sadness away and gotten back to a happy frame of mind, it's nearly time to head out to the cast party for Into the Woods and hang out with all those crazy, awesome, talented, wonderful folks at least one more time. I'm very glad I have my excitement for the upcoming auditions to keep any returning sadness at bay.
During the course of this week, my melancholy over the end of Into the Woods actually got stronger than it was the night that I started this blog. Other members of the cast started posting on facebook their own statements about being sad that the show was over, about missing each other, about wanting to hang out and do shows together again. At the same time, many of the same people were posting updates about the audition and casting process for ACT Andover's production of Guys and Dolls. It was fun to read these posts and watch the cast list take shape before my very eyes, but it was also saddening, since I wasn't part of the cast.
I have good reasons for choosing not to audition for Guys and Dolls. The performance weekend conflicts with an event that I really want to attend. I just started a new job with a new company and should focus on that for a little while. I was tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk and not ready to jump right back into auditions and rehearsals with no rest. All very rational reasons. All useless in the face of an emotional state of mind.
So, I decided to look around and see what other community theater options were available to me. I'd known for a while that there are a few groups nearby -- one each in at least four nearby towns, all no more than 15-20 minutes from my house -- but I was unprepared for the sheer quantity of theater in this area. There is A LOT of theater around here.
Before I knew it, the same gleeful focus that sometimes takes hold of my brain when I'm deeply immersed in an interesting coding challenge had taken hold of me in my search for local theater groups. I spent hours and hours looking up theater company web sites, checking drive distances, consulting my calendar for rehearsal and production date conflicts, looking up scripts and vocal ranges for characters. It was exhilarating. And before I knew it, the doldrums had evaporated. I still feel a nostalgic twinge when I think back to Woods and the amazing experience it was for me, but I'm no longer down in the dumps about it being over. Excitement for and anticipation of the auditions I'm planning over the next few weeks has replaced that sadness.
The lesson seems clear to me: stay involved in community theater. It clearly makes me happy, happier than I would have guessed a year ago. It has the added bonus of being something that my wife also loves to do, giving us something we can enjoy together, and that makes it all the more valuable. And now that I've washed the sadness away and gotten back to a happy frame of mind, it's nearly time to head out to the cast party for Into the Woods and hang out with all those crazy, awesome, talented, wonderful folks at least one more time. I'm very glad I have my excitement for the upcoming auditions to keep any returning sadness at bay.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Snow Business
Another snowy day, another hour lost to the possibly-eternal struggle to keep the driveway clear, and another post. The way this winter's been going, if I only post on snow days, I'm sure to get a dozen entries done by the end of February...
Snow days are a bit strange for me. As a software engineer armed with a laptop and a VPN connection, snow just means I get to work from home (in my pajamas, win!) for the day and deal with the snow at my leisure. But it's also a totally different dynamic from being in the office. Many people have written about the challenges of working from home, the importance of maintaining focus and self-discipline, and so forth, so I'm not going to go into that. I thought I'd share a bit about the way my mindset and motivation vary through the day.
I start out strong, focused on work and raring to go. I usually start early, since I didn't have to drive to the office, and I manage to be productive for a few hours. During the middle of the day, my attention tends to wander away from work. I try to stay focused on work and even tell myself again and again that this time, I will, but I invariably find myself distracted by something shiny -- which is to say, anything not the work I get paid to do. I repeatedly check my personal email, frequently refresh my facebook page, run to the kitchen for yet another glass of water. I'm never completely away from work, but I'm not completely focused on it either.
Then, around mid-afternoon, my mindset shifts again, and suddenly I'm focused and cranking through stuff at work once more. Before I know it, my wife is in my office reminding me that it's way past quitting time. I look up to discover that several more hours have gone by, and I have somehow managed to do a full day's work. If not for my wife, I might have just continued working into the night. So, unlike some people who say that they have a hard time getting work done at home, I can get a lot done -- I just have to do it in chunks, with periods of personal goofing off in the middle. Sometimes I fluctuate between work and personal focus more frequently, but today had just a couple of major swings.
What I spent today's personal time doing -- apart from clearing the driveway and contributing to some amusing discussion threads on facebook -- has me pretty psyched for the weeks ahead. Still feeling the doldrums of the end of Into the Woods, I decided that the cure was more of the same, kind of like the way a drink is supposed to help with a hangover. More details on that next time.
Snow days are a bit strange for me. As a software engineer armed with a laptop and a VPN connection, snow just means I get to work from home (in my pajamas, win!) for the day and deal with the snow at my leisure. But it's also a totally different dynamic from being in the office. Many people have written about the challenges of working from home, the importance of maintaining focus and self-discipline, and so forth, so I'm not going to go into that. I thought I'd share a bit about the way my mindset and motivation vary through the day.
I start out strong, focused on work and raring to go. I usually start early, since I didn't have to drive to the office, and I manage to be productive for a few hours. During the middle of the day, my attention tends to wander away from work. I try to stay focused on work and even tell myself again and again that this time, I will, but I invariably find myself distracted by something shiny -- which is to say, anything not the work I get paid to do. I repeatedly check my personal email, frequently refresh my facebook page, run to the kitchen for yet another glass of water. I'm never completely away from work, but I'm not completely focused on it either.
Then, around mid-afternoon, my mindset shifts again, and suddenly I'm focused and cranking through stuff at work once more. Before I know it, my wife is in my office reminding me that it's way past quitting time. I look up to discover that several more hours have gone by, and I have somehow managed to do a full day's work. If not for my wife, I might have just continued working into the night. So, unlike some people who say that they have a hard time getting work done at home, I can get a lot done -- I just have to do it in chunks, with periods of personal goofing off in the middle. Sometimes I fluctuate between work and personal focus more frequently, but today had just a couple of major swings.
What I spent today's personal time doing -- apart from clearing the driveway and contributing to some amusing discussion threads on facebook -- has me pretty psyched for the weeks ahead. Still feeling the doldrums of the end of Into the Woods, I decided that the cure was more of the same, kind of like the way a drink is supposed to help with a hangover. More details on that next time.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
First Foray
I have on occasion wanted more... No, wait, that's an Into the Woods line. I've gotta stop applying that play to everything. Anyway, starting again...
I have on occasion thought about starting a blog. Many of my friends have blogs, and I certainly have read my fair share. Each time I thought about it, I found myself wondering what I had to write about that people would want to read. (And I realize I'm far from the first person to have that thought.) Before today, that train of thought always pulled into "maybe some other time" station and then finished up at the "I'm too busy" terminal.
Today, I found myself reflecting on my experience this past weekend with a community theater production of Into the Woods (hence the predilection to apply snippets of the play to real life). I got back on the stage this past summer with ACT Andover in the hopes of being able to land a part in this play, and I was successful. I had an absolute blast playing the part of Cinderella's Prince, and I was continually amazed by the passion and dedication I saw all around me as the production came to life. People worked their butts off and gave it their all, even, in one case, in the face of great personal tragedy. The audiences raved about the shows, and the entire thing became an experience I will remember for the rest of my life.
In the aftermath of the show, I felt the emotional downer I remembered from high school productions, but this was much more powerful and pervasive. I still haven't shaken it. Thinking about the weekend and the way I have felt in the couple of days since the show, I realized that the experience had re-awakened in me something that has been dormant for a long time.
I used to be much more artistically creative, but I've been coasting for years, safe and content in my professional career as a software engineer. Safe and content, yes, but not fulfilled. Not really. That realization led directly to my decision to start this blog -- the title is what I would like to be. A man of more words, be they spoken or written, acted or sung.
Will other people want to read this? I don't think it matters. They say that true writers would write even if no one ever read their words, so that's good enough for me. Writing is for the writer, and reading is for someone else. Will I keep up with this? Only time will tell, but it feels like the right time at last.
I have on occasion thought about starting a blog. Many of my friends have blogs, and I certainly have read my fair share. Each time I thought about it, I found myself wondering what I had to write about that people would want to read. (And I realize I'm far from the first person to have that thought.) Before today, that train of thought always pulled into "maybe some other time" station and then finished up at the "I'm too busy" terminal.
Today, I found myself reflecting on my experience this past weekend with a community theater production of Into the Woods (hence the predilection to apply snippets of the play to real life). I got back on the stage this past summer with ACT Andover in the hopes of being able to land a part in this play, and I was successful. I had an absolute blast playing the part of Cinderella's Prince, and I was continually amazed by the passion and dedication I saw all around me as the production came to life. People worked their butts off and gave it their all, even, in one case, in the face of great personal tragedy. The audiences raved about the shows, and the entire thing became an experience I will remember for the rest of my life.
In the aftermath of the show, I felt the emotional downer I remembered from high school productions, but this was much more powerful and pervasive. I still haven't shaken it. Thinking about the weekend and the way I have felt in the couple of days since the show, I realized that the experience had re-awakened in me something that has been dormant for a long time.
I used to be much more artistically creative, but I've been coasting for years, safe and content in my professional career as a software engineer. Safe and content, yes, but not fulfilled. Not really. That realization led directly to my decision to start this blog -- the title is what I would like to be. A man of more words, be they spoken or written, acted or sung.
Will other people want to read this? I don't think it matters. They say that true writers would write even if no one ever read their words, so that's good enough for me. Writing is for the writer, and reading is for someone else. Will I keep up with this? Only time will tell, but it feels like the right time at last.
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